indoor animal light ~ 2
The first version of indoor animal was actually a weekly newsletter I wrote as the commissioner of a fantasy football league around a decade ago. (If you're curious about my feelings toward the NFL, here's a somewhat long essay I shared months ago: The Sixth Sunday in Ordinary Time.) Writing the newsletter was the highlight of fantasy football for me. And, it gave me a chance to write without restraint, because it was very low stakes: only a few people received what I wrote and they all already knew me. After a few seasons, I couldn't keep up with each week and decided to give up being the commish. The league immediately folded. So, today, I share some sections from those emails, specifically the ones that made me laugh upon rereading.
For those that don't know me, I'm the worst fantasy football commissioner on the planet. Seems that the season is nearly upon us, but there is still time to do this league. After much sole-searching, and many long knights, I've decided that homonyms are pretty hilarious—I MEAN, I've decided to do another go around of The Best Friends Forever Fantasy Football League. Yahoo already took the liberty of auto-renewing our league (and probably selling all of our information to the Cincinnati Reds) so that's going to save us a ton of time... Also, this season, fun is mandatory. Let the name calling begin!
The Huh? What?! Trophy of the week goes to Team Croatian Sensation because Hurricane Irma forced a few of his players into a first week bye and made it nearly impossible for him to field a full team. After week one, with half of the teams undefeated and the other half having zero total wins, it seems like this league is already over for a bunch of owners. Good luck next year, losers. For those still in it, start panicking, because Hurricanes Jose and Katie are on their ways, I suggest loading up your teams with players from high-elevation cities.
Despite Eli Manning's best efforts, Team Name wasn't able to pull out a win in their inaugural BFFL football matchup. Same goes for Team Valyrian Steelers (which I think is a Hairy Potter reference) who put up a league-low PointsFor this week. This will likely change when da Gronk comes back healthy from whatever sasquatch planet he's healing and procreating on at the moment. New team, Team SnapchatMeDemTDs (which I think is a Hairy Potter reference), pulled out a win against the heavily favored Team Chico's Bail Bonds and has never lost a BFFL game in team history, which is pretty impressive if you ask me – no one else can make that claim.
Week two is right around the corner and there are likely going to be some matchups to watch, but those ignoring the principles of British Empiricism in their team management are unlikely to be much of a challenge for those employing it with vigor (straightens tie and pushes glasses back up nose). The Commish feels that it's time to up the rhetoric in the realm of fantasy football. Your RB had 39 yards on 4 carries but what does that really mean? How can that be proven to be true in a .... okay I'll stop now.
The table I'm sitting at in the coffee shop is very wobbly and I just moved from another wobbly table and I'm so distracted right now I can't help it. I can't take it anymore!
These emails were fun to write. Taken out of context years later, they barely seem like English at times, but that only gives me more of a chuckle. Looking back, fantasy football did serve one purpose: connection. A few of the friends who participated in those leagues have drifted out of my life. The league, and the communication that resulted, was the last thread keeping the old friendships together. So maybe it wasn't time wasted after all.
indoor animal is curated by a human: Tim Papciak. On Mondays, he shares one link to one music video to help spark creativity in himself and in other creative types. On Thursdays, he recommends a book, movie, show, art piece, or link to some dusty corner of the internet that he believes either 1.) adds to the human experience, or 2.) serves as a coping mechanism in the year 2025. Note: this is not, and never will be, self-help content.